“My Result’s Minor”
(to the tune of “My Way”)

And now, the end is near
And so I face / the Friday deadline
I wrote most of what I did
My advisor / saw it, and said “fine”

I ran / experiments
But I know they / should have been finer
So, woe, oh woe is me,
My result’s minor

Regret, I bounded you
So why are you / not sublinear?
I thought / I understood
But this proof step / was broken here

I planned / trajectories
Each careful torque / with my pathfinder
But woe, oh woe is me
My result’s minor

Yes there were times / when I broke through
And thought I’d done / something brand new
But then I searched / for it online
There’s a paper / from ‘89
Erase it all / I’ve hit a wall
My result’s minor

I’ve tried, I’ve cried and cried
I’ve had my fill / of doing science
And now, as my code runs
My only goal / is sheer defiance

I swear / I’ll make it work
And I’ll publish / this damned meat grinder
But no, oh no not yet,
My result’s minor

For what is a grad / what has he got?
If not strong will / than he has naught
To heed the call he truly hears
And not the job of engineer
The paper shows / I’m one who knows
My result’s minor

Yes, it was minor

Postscript

I wrote this parody for a bit of fun while trying to make the ICML 2017 deadline. It’s been gathering dust on my hard drive for a while. I have no particular reason to bring it out now, but I have had “My Way” stuck in my head lately and thought it was worth it to share. If anyone’s feeling particularly inspired, I’d be tickled if someone hooked this up to one of the Sinatra voice bots and made it possible to hear Old Blue Eyes sing the academic blues.